White Room
by sillym3
Summary: Grissom, one particular room, and his feeling. GSR. Post Dead Doll.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** No copyright infringement intended. The main characters belong to CBS and other entities. The plot is mine though, I'm not sharing.

**A/N:** To Sylvie, with gratitude and apology. Sensei, I'm sorry I kept the phrase.

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**WHITE ROOM**

**=== Day One: Helicopter, Memory and Tears ===**

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I can't remember how I got here. It felt like somehow I just popped into this room, trapped inside the sickening white hall with stark white ceiling and equally stark white linoleum floor. I wish that there were some stains on the ceiling or dirt on the floor, just to make the place less…. unbearable.

I remember the rain; I remember feeling scared as I processed the miniature of the mustang. I remember the heat of desert sun and the dust in my shoes. I remember Natalie. I just don't remember how I got here. Did Nick drive me here? Or was it Brass? I can't tell.

My memories are always working like TV screens; flashing in front of me every time I close my eyes. Some of them are in living color, some gray, and some others just plain black and white. Whichever they were now, they help me remember nothing about how I got here. How I got trapped in this boring white room.

I close my eyes for the umpteenth time, feeling the cold wall against the back of my head. This time my mind brings me back to an ER room with the same white tiles and ceiling around me. Nurses and doctors were scattered inside the room; shouting orders, reciting medical terms, moving efficiently around Sara.

Sara, yes Sara. She is the sole reason I'm here. My beautiful Sara seemed so lifeless and frail beneath the white ceiling. I dread to say this, but she was like a doll; a broken doll with an oxygen mask, needles, and tubes as accessories. Sara, the very beat of my heart, was counting on a machine to monitor her heart beat.

"Bring her to the OR, Dr. Bradley is ready," one of the doctor ordered.

Then the screen on my mind faded, replaced by another image of Sara. She was clad in those boring overalls; smiling to me hesitantly while wiping something off my cheek.

"Chalk?" I whispered.

"Gil, are you okay?"

I opened my eyes. Catherine was looking at me with her usual full of concern yet nosy gaze. I rubbed my cheeks, feeling the cold of my hands against my equally cold skin.

"You need some sleep," she suggested.

"What is taking them so long?" I glanced at the red light above the door. It had been an hour since they took her in. There was no way I would sleep if Sara was still inside.

"You heard the doctor; they need to re-set her broken bone and stop the internal bleeding. It will take hours." She squeezed my hand. "She'll be fine Gil."

"She has to." I closed my eyes again. This time the memory appeared in black and white. I smiled thinking of our first kiss. We were sheltering from a heavy downpour under the canopy outside CozyBench in San Francisco. Rainwater was dripping from the rooftops but we didn't care, standing there, our hands entwined, our lips pressed against each others'.

When I opened my eyes again, Catherine had left my side to join Nick and Warrick's conversation near the vending machine. Greg missed the action; he was sleeping on a chair beside me. His feet were retracted to his chest, his head tilted to one side. There was an unmistakable sign of fatigue beneath his eyes.

"You should all go home," I spoke hoarsely, looking up to the ceiling.

"We're fine Boss," Nick nodded to me.

"When she wakes up, the doctor won't allow us all in the room. Go get some rest. The lab will need you in the next…" I glanced at the clock on the wall. "….five hours."

Warrick was about to say something to defy me, but his yawn betrayed him.

"I'll keep you updated." I closed my eyes and dismissed their chance to argue. I wanted to see a new memory about Sara, but colorful images of bleeding bisque dolls were dancing in my mind. Along with a weird song about some pain in someone's sawdust. I wanted to scream, I wanted to run and hide, but something held me still on the chair.

"Okay, if there is no news in a few minutes we'll go. Just keep us in touch." Warrick put his hand on my shoulder. I did that a lot to him in the past; put my hand on his shoulder, a gesture meaning to comfort. However I felt no comfort this time.

"I will," was the only answer I could manage.

A few minutes later, Catherine woke Greg up and they left me, but not before Warrick shoved a cup of hot coffee in my hands.

The cup was half empty and I had just finished reminiscing the first day Sara came to this Sin City when a doctor emerged from the OR.

"Are you Gilbert Arthur Grissom, Sara Sidle's medical proxy?" He gestured to the closed door behind him and I nodded while getting up from my chair.

His next words were mostly ignored by me. The only time I fully listened to him was when he told me that Sara would be fine. There would come a time when I would need to listen about all the details. There would be precautions to follow, prescriptions to fill, and papers to sign. They could wait, the whole world could wait. At this very moment I only wanted to see Sara, to be at her side and make sure that she was truly okay.

The doctor took a long time to finish his technical speech. I politely asked him if I could see Sara. He politely answered that I would have to wait until they put her in a recovery room. I politely nodded and tried my best not to bash him with the chair. I had been waiting too long

I had to wait for another hour before the nurses wheeled Sara out. The trip to recovery room 304 is also lost from my memories. Before I realized it, they had finished settling her on a bed. Tubes, machines, needles, seemed like they were everywhere around her body. It pained me to watch, so I averted my eyes, gazing around the room. Almost every other thing in the room was also stark white. The stems and leaves of the lilies and the curtain were fairly welcomed shades of green. Sara loves green.

There was a stool close to the window and I took it to sit beside her bed. I traced Sara's outline with my fingertips, careful not to touch the sunburned or bandaged parts. Her chest was graced with a lingering touch. I had to make sure that it was Sara's breath that rose and fell under my skin. I had to make sure that she was alive.

I moved to her hair, reveling the sticky and rough feeling on my fingers. The tips of the hair brushed against my palm as I closed my eyes again. Just three days ago, I had run the same palm against Sara's sweet-scented smooth hair. I sighed knowing that her hair wasn't the only thing had been damaged by the desert.

Sara's lips were parched. I could not see them clearly through the oxygen mask, but I knew they were parched. How could they not be? It probably was one hundreds and ten out there when she was walking under the searing sun.

"How are you?" I murmured to her sleeping form, taking her hand in mine and caressing the back of it. "Everything is okay now. They have caught Natalie. She can't hurt you anymore."

I moved her hand to my cheek and kept it there as I remembered Sara's fondness for the coarse feel of my beard.

"The doctors said you'll be fine; a couple of months for the broken bone, and a couple of weeks for the abrasions and scratches."

I set her hand back on the bed and started scrutinizing her eyelids. The lashes were curled up; Sara once told me she hated them, too short and rare, unlike Catherine's or Sophia's. It's funny but I remember Warrick once commented on them, telling me she had a pair of bed eyes. The eyes that would make her look sleepy and make men want to invite her to bed. I scowled at Warrick all day for his inappropriate yet truthful remark.

"Open your eyes sweetheart." I kissed each of the lids. They were fluttering as if she was trying hard to open them. "Open them and let me know you're fine." I begged but to no avail.

There were steady beeps of a machine, and I looked around to find the source. A heartbeat monitor was on the right side of the bed. The zigzag line on its screen was familiar. I had seen that line so many times. In movies, in real life, but it had never been as substantial as it was right now. I hated to count on the machine to know her condition. I hated myself for letting this happen to her. I hated Natalie, but I hated me more.

Another memory crashed on me. Behind my closed lids I could see Sara's eyes; opened for me. I remember peering over an EMT to get a better view of those brown orbs. I also saw Sara's hands in mine and the thumping of the helicopter blades as well as the roar of the engine.

And then all of a sudden it dawned on me. "I…," I gulped hard, "I got here by helicopter."

I saw the landing pad on top of the hospital. I saw the EMTs and nurses load Sara to a stretcher, the wind whisked her hair away from her pale face.

The next images passed in front of me in the speed of a light; Nick crouching beside Sara, Sophia talking to the EMT, and Catherine running beside me.

"We got here by helicopter Sara. We were carried here from the desert. Natalie kidnapped you and Nick found you first" I whispered my ramble to her, more to revive my own memory. "You had walked nine miles before collapsing. You're strong. You're strong and you'll wake up and you'll be alright." I rested my head on the crook of her neck; closing my eyes and letting the memories of her abduction flood back. It felt like an eternity before the screen in my mind turned black; it felt like an eternity before she woke up.

I was half asleep when she stirred. "Gil," she called for me.

I rose to see those beautiful eyes look up to me. Their brown haze somehow lit up the white room and my heart burst out with hope.

"Hi, I'm here." I smiled to her, feeling her cold hand in mine. "You'll be fine. You'll be fine," I told her when really all I was doing was trying to convince myself.

"hmm mmm," Sara brushed her fingers against my cheek, wiping a tear I hadn't realized was there.

For the first time since the helicopter had brought us here, I voluntarily averted my eyes to the white ceiling, nailing my gaze to the boring color just so she couldn't see another teardrop escape.

End of chapter 1

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I have a plan of testing my writing endurance by posting this in chapters. Any kind of input will be greatly appreciated:)


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **Please refer to chapter one.

**A/N: **I was so nervous about posting this chapter, I hope you enjoy it. And as always, thanks to Sylvie.

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**WHITE ROOM**

**=== Day Three: Orchid, Beauty, and Apology===**

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The lift wasn't white. Whoever had made the color arrangements for this building had lost their mind. The lift was blue. The walls, the ceiling, the floor were all blue and I couldn't help but think I was inside of a fish tank. The small rectangle room was empty, except from me and the white orchids in my hand.

The orchids were handpicked; I inspected the flowers, the leaves and soil in the pot myself. The flowers had to be young, so they could bloom in time and cherish the woman who would receive it. The leaves had to be all green, no chance to wilt under the Nevada heat. The soil had to be rich, fertile and new so when she brought the plant home, it would take a long time before she needed to replace it.

The door spread open with a ding and I walked out. It was like being transferred from an ocean to white fluffy clouds. Blue lift and stark white corridor, ocean and clouds, me and orchid, Sara and smile; how appropriate.

"I want a shirt!" She exclaimed as I pushed the door to room 304 open. Her voice was weak and coarse because the desert heat managed to abrade her esophagus wall.

"Good morning to you too, my dear," I put the plant on a bedside table before giving her a kiss.

"Morning," Her greeting was mumbled by my lips, her lips still felt parched but I still loved to taste them. Her gaze averted to the plant. "Another plant, Gil?" she cocked an eyebrow and pursed her lips. "Have I threatened to leave the lab again?"

I grabbed her lightly and kissed her again. "Heavily injured and still a tease."

Sara's chuckle energized the whole room. I could swear that the soft petals of _Coelogyne flexuosa Rolfe _came to life as they were luckily caressed by her fingertips.

"It's beautiful, thank you." Her voice cracked, I didn't know if it was because of her sore throat or simply because she was happy. I was just glad to see her eyes sparkle with joy.

"So are you sweetheart." I mimicked her move on the petal, caressing her palm. "Thank you."

She shied away, she always did. Flattery was rare in her life, that's why I tried to keep it coming steadily.

"I need a shirt." Sara tugged at the edge of the hospital gown, distracting me. "This thing is… ugly and uncomfortable. I don't know how many nurses I have flashed at."

I smiled; I had my time with the gown too. I didn't blame her. "Do you want to use mine?" I gestured to my backpack, lying in the corner.

"Please. Find me a button down one, it's easier to wear."

"You know what? I think I have something perfect for you." I dug inside the backpack and lifted the one she "loved" the most; a blue Hawaiian shirt. "Button down, 100% cotton, and has been proved to be comfy."

She groaned and I laughed. She hated the shirt right from the first day I bought it. It was a reminder of our first holiday together as a couple; a chaotic holiday due to bad weather forecasting and a leaking roof on a beach cottage.

"Find me something else please."

"Just Polos and my windbreaker," I dug deeper to convince her.

"Fine," She huffed, "Help me put that hideous thing on."

With a smile, I carefully took of the gown off first, glancing at her body every so often. The skin on her back was red, blistering just like most other part of her body. I moved closer and gave it a kiss on her shoulder.

"It must be painful," I whispered, as I brushed my fingers softly on her back.

"Just uncomfortable, the gel helps a lot." She gestured at a tube over the counter.

"Let's apply it again," I reached for the tube and squeezed out a generous amount of its content onto my palm. Sara lifted the white blanket to cover her bare chest while I was applying the ointment on her back.

The skin looked like it was angry, red and scorched in some parts. I moved from her shoulder downward; gently rubbing two fingers against her skin.

She flinched when I reached her shoulder blade.

"Sorry," I stopped. My fingers halted in mid air, the ointment still on my palm.

"It's okay," she leaned forward, "Just be careful, more gel less rubbing."

"I'm so sorry Sara."

She looked over her shoulder; the corner of her eyes met my eyes. She knew what I was apologizing for. "Gil…"

"I'm sorry; I shouldn't have let her take you. I should have found you sooner. I….I… I'm sorry" It had been so long since words had failed me. Why couldn't I ever grab the chance to say something right to her? Why couldn't I ever tell her what I felt deep inside?

The blanket twisted around her body when she turned to me. The brown eyes burrowed deep into mine. "Not your fault."

"It is my…," The words halted in my mouth as she pressed a slender fingers over my lips.

"I said it's not your fault." She turned again, her angry red skin glaring at me. "Just apply the gel, please."

I did as I was told, giving extra smoothness to my touch. When I was done with her back, I moved to the front. I was lifting my fingers over her chest when she smiled.

"Nice try Bugman," She dipped her fingers into the dollop on my palm and started applying it to her chest slightly above the blanket that was covering her breasts.

"What? I was going for the arm." I cocked an eyebrow, a teasing smile tugging at my lips.

"Really?" she winked at me. "My bad. And there I thought you just wanted to grope me."

I started to rub the gel against her bare arm, the sunburn was worst in this part. "Come on, I'm not that low."

She chuckled, the throaty sound music to my ears and my guilt abated a little.

"Prove it," She lowered the blanket and started rubbing her breasts. I sighed and averted my attention to the task in hand; trying my best to ignore where her hand was lying.

"You don't believe my sincerity?" I believed that the blush spreading on my face had betrayed me.

She smirked; dipping her fingers to the ointment again. "Do my ugly toes and I'll believe you."

I made no comment at her challenge, but moved to the counter instead. The tube was half empty by now; I would have to ask the doctor to give me another prescription for this cortisone gel. I squeezed the ointment onto my palm and moved about her feet.

Sara was always shy about her toes, kept saying that they were ugly. Sometimes, in the throes of passion, I would move from her thighs to her feet, grazing her beautiful legs with kisses. Whenever I moved closer to her toes, she would flinch and squirm; threatening to stop our lovemaking.

It was no different this time. As I started to rub her foot, she flinched.

"Gil, I was only joking."

"Hmmm," I ignored her as I concentrated all my attention to applying the ointment on her left foot.

"Giiil…" She retracted her foot but I held it in place.

"Gil, okay, okay, I believe you." She pursed her lips. "You're not a groping boyfriend." She emphasized.

I ignored her as I covered each of her toes with the cold ointment. She had leather boots on in the dessert. The material had bitten into her skin, causing severe blisters on her toes.

"Giiil," She squirmed.

"I love you Sara, every inch of you." I finished the job and sat beside her. She shied away, averting her gaze to the forgotten orchid. "From head to toe." I cupped her chin, gently forcing her to look at me.

"Now, can I help you apply this sticky thing onto your stomach?" I gestured to her midsection. "I swear I won't be groping around."

She playfully punched me as I laughed and rose to pick up the Hawaiian shirt.

She finished applying the gel onto her stomach in the same time I managed to maneuver the shirt over the IV pole. I helped her slip the sleeve over her cast and buttoned the shirt and soon she was clad in a piece of cloth she had sworn never to wear.

I chuckled; the shirt was so loose on her slim body. The sleeves hung down low on her arms.

She sighed, "I can't believe I'm saying this but this thing is truly comfortable."

"Told you," I smiled, "I'll bring the straw hat next. I bet you'll be awfully cute in it."

"Ewww, please not the hat."

I laughed and lied down beside her. She leaned back onto me as I carefully wrapped my arm around her shoulder. "Sleep, now."

She complied. Soon her eyes closed and her breathing evened out and she lay there as beautiful as ever; just like the orchid perched on the table.

"I'm so sorry, Sara. I'm so sorry" I whispered the words before letting sleep overcame me.

**End of chapter two**

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I'd really love to hear from you:) Review?


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** Please refer to the first chapter.

**A/N**: To K, the one who cooks in the oddest hour of the night and the only one who doesn't get mad at me for refusing to swallow the huge red pills. _Terima kasih, sayang._

And to Sylvie too, I can't find a word good enough to describe her, at least not in my very limited vocabulary:)

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**WHITE ROOM**

**=== Day Five: Nurse, Friends, and Promises ===**

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I couldn't help the shaky breath coming out of my lungs as the beginning of a migraine threatened to appear. It was definitely going to be one of those heavy headaches, one that would haunt me all day long. I had left the lab in a bad mood, hoping to see Sara soon. I even drove faster than usual, almost running into a ditch, only to find that she was not here.

My eyes scanned the white room cautiously, my gaze bouncing from surface to surface. The room was empty; there was no Sara on the hospital bed. The white linen was smooth and stretched over the mattress without any sign that someone had occupied the bed before. My breath caught in my throat as wild speculations rose in my mind.

Where was she? Where was my Sara?

Frantic with worry, I swiveled my head to the right and to the left. I strode to the bathroom, checking the shower and the tub only to realize that I was being paranoid. Natalie wouldn't be able to get her hands on Sara again. I sighed, walked out of the bathroom and bumped into a nurse.

"Where is she? Where is Sara?" I asked abruptly as I glanced at her, blurting out the question, forgetting preamble and apology. The nurse straightened herself and narrowed her hazel eyes at me. She was no less than six foot two tall; a fact that made me literally squirm under her gaze.

"I believe the patient has been taken to radiology Sir." If my mind wasn't so occupied by my girlfriend's well-being I would recognize the annoyance in her overly sweet voice.

"What? Why?" I asked lowering my tone a little. "This wasn't planned." I couldn't help myself. I had only left Sara for two hours, thanks to Ecklie and his damned staff meeting. Why had they scheduled a last minute visit to radiology and most importantly why hadn't _I_ been informed?

"Dr. Kingston wanted to check Miss Sidle's progress before he leaves for a conference sir." The nurse glanced down to the status board that I hadn't realized she was holding.

"A conference? Where? Isn't Dr. Kingston supposed to monitor Sara until she gets out of this hospital?" It was more a query than a protest, but I couldn't help my uprising tone.

"Sir," She glanced down at me, one hand on her hip. "Don't worry; we have other doctors, all not less competent than Dr. Kingston is." Her pose, dominant and confident, reminded me so much of Sara.

"I'm sorry Miss…," I glanced at her nametag. "Miss Volakis. I just… She's not in her room and… I… " I shook my head at my very uncharacteristic behavior.

"I understand Mr….," She also glanced at the status board. "Sidle. Mrs. Sidle will be back shortly, it's just a regular x-ray to make sure everything is working as it should." The nurse gave me a small smile.

I returned her smile with my smallest smile possible. "By the way it's Dr. Grissom and Miss Sidle, Miss Volakis, but you may just call me Grissom."

Her smile morphed into a smirk, "Alright then Grissom, Miss Sidle will be here soon." She wrote something on the status board and hung it at the end of the bed before turning her back to me headed for the door.

Before she had a chance to leave the room, I moved to the doorway and stopped her. "I'm sorry, but could I go and see Sara in radiology? I meant Miss Sidle."

"Oh, she will be back soon." The stubborn nurse glanced at her wristwatch. Couldn't she understand that I _needed_ to be with Sara _now_?

"But…" I tried to level my gaze with hers, which was obviously difficult to do due to our _slight_ difference in height. "I'm her medical proxy. I need to know if she…"

She cut me off before I had a chance to continue. "Okaay…" Again, the way she stretched the vowel in that one simple word, reminded me of Sara. "The radiology wing is on the left, second floor, after the maternity ward. Now if you don't mind, I have work to do." She glanced down at me again, with a little more edge in her gaze. She didn't need to say the word, I stepped aside voluntarily.

"Umm…Thank you." I shouted to her before heading to the left. The nurse just shook her head and waved without looking back.

I tried to amble as fast as I could, mentally kicking myself for breaking my own promise. A promise I had made the day they brought Sara into the OR, a promise to be with her every step of the way, a promise to keep her safe.

The nurse was right though. I didn't get the chance to get to the radiology wing; Sara was being wheeled out of the elevator when I was walking down the corridor. She thanked the nurse, a much nicer, shorter nurse, that had helped her and I gladly took over the control of the wheelchair.

"You didn't wait for me." I half questioned half protested as we progressed to her room.

"They said it would just be a quick examination. My fractured arm is healing well, which means I only need to use this damned cast for a month or so." She reached up and caressed my cheek with her good hand. "Can you imagine that? I will need to be babied for a month." Exasperation was evident in her voice. Who could blame her? An extremely independent woman now had to depend on me just for changing her clothes.

"I'd love to baby you for a month, or even a year." I helped her off the chair, maneuvered the IV so she could lie down on the bed. "Or forever, if you want me to." I gave her a quick peck on the cheek and noticed the adorable ensuing blush.

"Are you trying to imply that you want me to be disabled forever?" She smirked as she shifted on the pillow.

"No. I'm trying to tell you that I'd love to take care of you, for an infinite amount of time." I sat on the stool, leaning over so I could caress her hair. It was getting harder to do so, as her hair was now getting greasier. I smiled, knowing that this problem would soon be solved.

She huffed, "Oh how I miss my bubble bath and the smell of my shampoo." She pulled at one of her curls. "This looks more like wire than hair."

"And we're here to take care of that!" All of a sudden, the giddy face of one Gregory Sanders peeked round the door; he had a big grocery bag in his hand.

"Yeah Sara, meet Gregorio your new hair stylist," Nick said, shoving Greg aside as he let himself in. "Catherine said that someone had texted her to say that his girlfriend was having a bad hair day and needed immediate rescue."

"You told them? They know?" Sara's eyes were nailed on me, and I merely shrugged. I knew exactly what her questions meant.

"Catherine and Warrick have a DB to process, so they'll have to miss the action. But don't you worry dear Sara; Catherine has trained us with cream bath kick-assness." Greg pulled out a couple of bottles of hair treatment and towels from his bag, setting them on the table beside the bed.

"You told them?" Sara narrowed her eyes at me now.

I shrugged again; pretending to help Nick raised the head of the bed so Sara could lean on it.

"Griss, we need that stool for the basin." Nick reached out for the stool and I happily moved away to the couch on the corner, voluntarily breaking eye contact with Sara.

"Keep your chin up Sara," Greg forced Sara to look up at the ceiling. "We don't want water all over the bed." He put a large towel around Sara's neck. "Voila, you're ready."

"I can't believe you told them! You…" Sara stopped mid-sentence as Nick poured water on her hair. The water dribbled down to the basin and the trickling sound muffled her voice.

Soon the impromptu hair stylists worked their way on Sara's hair; water, and shampoo, and comb. For two fearless CSIs, Greg and Nick made an excellent job of washing hair. They also made an excellent job of hair salon chitchat; joking and teasing Sara every now and then. I stayed out of the conversation, closing my eyes and thinking. How was I going to explain to Sara that our secret relationship wasn't that much of a secret anymore?

"There you go, as good as new." Nick smiled cheekily as he helped Sara wrap a towel around her head. I glanced at the clock, amazed that it had needed almost one hour just to wash her hair.

"Gilbert Grissom, did you tell them about us?" Sara asked me again.

Greg's snicker and Nick's nonchalant shrug answered her question for me.

"Gilbert…?" Somehow, the tone of her voice and the pout of her mouth, reminded me of the nurse.

"What's happened here?" As if summoned by my thoughts Miss Volakis, the flamboyant nurse, was stood at the threshold, hands on her hips, staring crossly at the wet floor and at all the chaos Greg and Nick had brought with them.

'Ummm, Miss nurse, Mr. Grissom will explain all that to you. Me and my friend need to catch up with something. We need to help Cath with the DB right? Nick?" As he spoke, Greg was inching closer to the door.

"Uh yeah, sorry for the mess ma'am." Nick shrugged and followed Greg, leaving me to face the angry nurse.

"I'm sorry Miss Volakis; we just tried to wash her hair." I gestured at Sara, but she was busy, or was pretending to be busy toweling her hair dry.

"You know? We could have done that for her, in a much easier and tidier way. You just needed to ask." Miss Volakis sighed and turned. "I'll call for the cleaning service; just don't do it again."

"Yes, ma'am." I nodded although she obviously could not see me.

"Ah, is it just me or you really squirm under her gaze?" Sara was openly smirking at me.

I came closer the bed and stole a kiss on her hair. "You could have helped me there; she's a she-wolf."

She chuckled, "And she scares you?"

"No. You scare me." I took the towel in her hand and helped her dry her hair. "They all know Sara. I accidentally told them about…us."

"And by them you meant the whole LVPD crime lab, not just the guys?"

"You know how the rumor mill works at the lab." I sat down on the bed beside her. "I was scared, I panicked. I'm so sorry." Come to think of it, I seemed to be panicking a lot lately.

She huffed but leaned on me. "It's okay; I guess I just have to prepare myself for being the constant object of Greg's tease. What are they saying about us? I bet Catherine has a few choice words for us."

"No. On the contrary, after the initial shock she was so calm about it." Catherine had visited yesterday and after checking on Sara who just so happened to be sleeping, she had dragged me to one corner. I was half expecting her to fume, but she had congratulated me instead.

"Ecklie?"

I took a deep breath. Ecklie also had cornered me after the so-called staff meeting, asking about what was going on. He had, not as subtly as I would have liked, reminded me of certain lab policy; about Sara and me violating some rules, about some arrangements that needed to be made, about the possibility of some changes that I hated to think of.

"Gil…" The brown orbs that looked up to me seemed so helpless, so vulnerable, that I had to avert my eyes to the white wall. "What did Ecklie say about us?"

"It doesn't matter," I tightened my embrace around her shoulder. Things were about to change, and she was the last person that needed to worry about it. "You rest and get well soon, so we can run away from here. I don't want to see that High tower everyday." I teased, more to comfort myself.

I knew she knew something was off. Her eyes spoke volume and her hand clutching mine tightened.

"Gil…?"

"Everything's going to be alright, Sara." I made another promise. One that I knew would be hard to keep. "Everything's going to be alright."

**End of chapter 3**

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One more chapter, and if I'm lucky enough, an epilogue:)


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer : **Refer to chapter 1.

**A/N: **Yesterday, September 30th, at 17:16 Local time, a 7.6 SR-measured earthquake occurred in Sumatra, one of the biggest islands in my country. At least 550 people have been killed as a result of the earthquake with hundreds more believed to be trapped in collapsed buildings, and thousands more need serious medical attention. If you happen to read this, Please help Sumatran People by praying for them to have the strength and faith to get through this. It was a heartbreaking tragedy. We need every help we can get.

Thank you and I'm sorry for the long A/N.

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**WHITE ROOM**

**=== Day Seven: Nightmare, Talk, and Trust ===**

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_She was sobbing; __her shoulder was shaking__ as she buried her face __in__ the pillow. The sheet crumpled in her tight fists, the pillow case was tear-streaked._

"_Sara…" I moved to touch her, but the bed shifted away._

"_Sara!" I tried again, but it was the white floor underneath me that was shifting now, dragging me away from her. __Then her sob turn into this sad crying; somehow sounding more like a desperate child__. __I was desperately running to her, but it seemed like the more I ran the more I slipped away__. I tried again, ran faster, ignoring the searing pain in my knees._

"_Sara!!!"_

I woke with a start. I was lying on the sofa, my shirt soaked with sweat. I blinked, adjusting my eyes to the dimly lighted room. The clock on the white wall told me it was 5 in the morning.

A heavy sigh escaped my lips as I came closer to the bed where Sara was lying. It was my third nightmare this week, same theme, different scenario.

The first one had caught me by surprise and had left me totally devastated. I was watching Sara trapped under a mustang. She was calling my name, crying for help, but the quick sand under my feet prevented me from moving. I remember trying to claw my way to her but I ended up drowned, suffocated.

The second nightmare had Sara, Natalie Davis and Adam Trent in it. I didn't remember exactly what the dream was about. But I remember waking up with tears on my cheeks and my heart thumping wildly against my chest.

"Hi," I whispered quietly as I sat on the stool beside the bed. I had no intention of waking her from her sleep. I just wanted to talk. I just wanted to say the things that I couldn't say when she was wide awake. "We are fine right, you and I?"

She stirred slightly, causing a stray strand of hair to fall onto her forehead.

"We'll get through this just fine. I'll keep you safe." I tucked the brown curl away and gave a gentle kiss on her forehead. That was when I noticed the tear streaks on her pale cheeks.

The sight startled me beyond belief.

Sara had cried. My Sara had cried and I didn't know when and why. My Sara had cried and I did nothing to prevent it. I grasped her shoulder, ready to wake her. I was about to ask, I was about to make her tell me about all the pain and heartache that had brought those damned tears.

_Sara, what's wrong? Was it a nightmare? Was it because the painkiller was wearing off? Was it because __you are still__ afraid of Natalie? Was it because of me? _

I was her man, who loved her with all his might. She just needed to tell me and I would deal with it. I would make it go away. I _could_ make everything alright. I _would_make everything all right.

But then I saw those short lashes flutter. And then I heard her whimpering in her sleep. And my heart broke, and my anger and frustration turned into this terrible guilt and sadness. My grasp loosened involuntarily and somehow I broke into a silent, desperate cry myself.

* * *

I woke up again when it was eight to find myself leaning over her bed. My neck felt sore and I had her hand in mine.

"Hello sleepyhead." She smiled down at me, looking all giddy and happy. The tear streaks had gone. "Ready to go home today?"

"As ready as you are." I returned her smile and rose from the stool. "I'll just take a quick shower and handle the release papers; the last physician visit is at eight thirty, right?"

"Uh huh," She nodded while brushing her hair. "Hand me your bag so I can put the journals in it." She had made me bring her several forensic and physic journals the second day we were here. She had said they would serve as company while I was in the lab. Now, I doubted she had ever had the chance to read them.

What if she had cried alone while I was gone? What if all the smiles and confidences she had showed me lately were nothing but a facade?

I was doing what she'd asked me when I stopped mid-way. I turned and looked into her eyes. "Sara…"

She stopped brushing her hair and looked up at me.

"Sara…," I gaped again. _Are you okay?_

"Gil…,"

"I love you." Once again, I had let the chance get away.

"I love you too." She held out her good hand and I fell into her embrace.

I tightened my arms around her and let the feeling linger for a little while. "I love you." I blinked back tears and couldn't help but feel that something, somehow, had slipped away from us.

She chuckled, the sound vibrating against my chest. "Okay Romeo, the bag please."

* * *

I wheeled her out of the lift into the lobby, despite her protests against that particular hospital policy. She had the orchid I had bought for her on her lap. She had insisted on bringing the plant on her own; sternly refused Miss Volakiss's offer to help, much to the nurse's dismay. The nurse was probably pouting as she was striding behind us now.

"Okay," The nurse spoke as three of us stopped as we got to the hospital front entrance. "I believe you have double-checked everything. No medicine, prescription and belonging left behind right?"

I felt tempted to say yes ma'am, but opted to nod my head instead.

"Remember, her next visit is next Tuesday. I'll stay here with Miss Sidle while you get your car." She added.

"A friend's picking us up Miss Volakiss. We'll be fine."

"Oh, okay then. See you later Miss Sidle, Grissom." She nodded at us and headed inside.

"I wonder why she seemed so reluctant to be parted with us." I said grimly while scanning the entrance for Jim Brass's car.

"You never realize the effect you have on women, do you?" Sara looked up to me; a teasing smile tugging her lips. "Who's picking us up anyway?"

"Jim." I had left my car at the lab the other night, too sleepy to drive on my own. Jim had called this morning, knowing when Sara would be allowed to leave the hospital and offering a ride.

"We could get a taxi, I wouldn't mind." She was about to rise from the wheelchair but I held her still.

"Sit down lady, we don't want Miss Volakiss to come here and remind us of the hospital policy." The independent trait that I adored from her sometime had its own disadvantages. "Jim insisted on picking us up. He said it was the least he could do since he had been too busy to be able to visit you….

"Hmmm," She leaned back on the chair. "Gil?"

"Huh," I leaned forward, letting my cheek touch hers. Her cheek felt rough. It reminded me of desert and scorching sun, and most of all, pain.

"Does one of us need to leave the lab?"

The question didn't startle me as much as the uncertainty in her voice.

"I mean, if it comes down to that, it will be best if I do it."

"Sara…,"

"Really, I can use some time on my own after all."

_Of course dear, time on your own to cry in your sleep._

I rose and kneeled in front of her. "It doesn't need to be that way. If I can pull the right strings, we just need to work separate shift."

"Oh," She had a smile on her lips but I didn't miss the disappointment in her eyes.

"We'll work it out." It was probably the lamest words I knew, words needed action after all. And with all of these things I was worrying about, I didn't know which action to take first. _Breathe, Gil. Breathe. One step at a time. _I calmed myself down.

"I think we will." Probably sensing my distress, she widened her smile. "Think we can take a holiday trip after we're done working it out?"

Paperwork, Ecklie, and awaiting court-appearances suddenly filled my mind. If I wanted Sara to stay at the lab, I had to show to those bureaucrats my highest work performance first.

"Maybe, where would you like to go? New York? Miami?" My knees started to hurt but I didn't want to rise yet. From this point, I could see those beautiful eyes of hers.

"I don't know, somewhere far and natural maybe; Hawaii, Bali, Tibet, or Thailand." She averted her eyes as two kids passed us by, the girl was giggling as the boy squealed and chased her toward a waiting SUV.

_Well, that kind of trip would need one hell of an arrangement at work. _"I'll think about it. Sara…"I held her gaze, summoning my strength. "Are you okay? I meant after all this… ordeal… do you think you need some professional help? " There was this friend of mine, a psychiatrist, which I wanted her to meet. But I didn't want to rush her.

A man, with a fatherly smile plastered on his face, opened the door of the SUV. He warned the kids for being too loud as he lifted the little girl up into his embrace. I watched Sara, as she watched the scene unfold in front of us. The way she looked at them, as if something was troubling her. And it scared me, really scared me.

"Sara, are you okay?" _Please Sara, tell me, and talk to me_. I pleaded inside.

It took a moment before she looked down at me again. "Sometimes, I feel like running away."

"Sara…"

She averted her gaze again; the man was blowing raspberries on the girl's stomach, causing more giggles from both kids. Sara blinked, and I could see her eyes brimming with tears.

I cupped her chin, carefully forcing her too look at me. "Sweetheart..."

"But things don't work like that. No matter how fast you run, the past will always catch up with you." Her hand reached to my curls, her fingers combed my hair. "The best way to solve problems is to deal with them, right?"

I nodded my head yes. We would solve the problem together, whatever it was. First, we would make sure that she was healing alright. Then we'd sort things out at work. Then we'd talk and take that holiday trip she wanted. Then everything would be just fine. We would go back to where we used to be; before this, before Natalie.

"We'll deal with it. One step at a time." I gave her a quick peck on her cheek and she smiled.

"Brass is here." She waved over my shoulder. When I turned around the detective was coming out of his car, giving us a sly smile.

"Sara…, you'll talk to me right? Tell me, if something is wrong?" I searched her eyes again, desperately wanted to make sure. She was just so used of dealing with things alone that I was afraid she would crash and burn alone before she asked for my help.

"I will," she answered as she glanced at the SUV. The little girl was sitting on the front passenger seat, waving around. "I will, I love you"

I took her answer as a promise. At that time, as I watched Brass enveloped her in a tight hug, asking her if she would miss her hospital room, I truly believed that she would tell me, she would let me know if anything went wrong.

Why wouldn't she? She loved me.

**The End**

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Thank you so much for reading:)


	5. Epilogue

**Disclaimer: **refer to chapter one.

**A/N: **Here comes the epilogue, enjoy:) and to Sylvie, _terima kasih banyak. _

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**WHITE ROOM**

**=== Day One Hundreds and Eighty Seven: Understanding ===**

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**  
**

304.

Room 304.

I didn't need the receptionist, or one of the uniformed officers to show me the way. I knew the way to the room by heart. Months ago, six agonizingly long months, I had spent seven days in and out of that room.

The lift was pastel pink now. Someone had decided to redecorate the fish tank. I grimaced, pink wasn't exactly my color.

Officer Garth who was standing next to the door nodded as I came closer to the room. The same embossed numbers were still on the door. This was it, the room.

"Do you need me in there Dr. Grissom?" Garth, the new recruit, seemed so eager to help.

I just shook my head, concentrating on my hand that was on the door handle. I felt strangely nervous.

"Are you sure?" The officer asked again.

"Yeah," Jim had debriefed me with the case; there was no danger in there. I'd leave the door open anyway, in case I needed Garth's help. "I'm sure." With those two words I pushed the door open. A strong déjà vu hit me as a room dominated by white colors greeted me. The curtains were still green, but the bed was new.

This time the bed wasn't occupied by Sara, though.

"I'm Gil Grissom; I'm with the LVPD crime lab." I put my kit on the floor and came closer to the bed.

"I know what you do. You don't need to be here. I have confessed. I'm the one who killed Karl."

I looked up; my eyes met with a pair of blue eyes. The eyes were looking so smart and deep yet felt so hollow. "I'm here to collect your fingerprints and…"

"I said I know what you do, just send the officer here and take me to jail." She sat up on the bed, a skinny girl, with a bald head, and strong cheekbones. There still were traces of beauty on her pale features.

I sighed; this was supposed to be Greg's job. Catherine had better have a good reason to have called him to her crime scene before he could finish this job.

"I'm afraid it doesn't work that way, Ma'am." I felt tempted to explain to her the importance of evidence; that her confession alone wouldn't get the DA any sentence. But all I wanted to do was to get out of the room as soon as possible.

I opened my kit; from the corner of my eyes I could see her closing her eyes, tossing her IV-hooked hand in exasperation.

"Fine, swab me, print me, do anything you like." She threw her head on the pillows.

Given the chance, I worked as efficiently as I could, listening to the soothing beeping sound of her heart monitor. I stole a glance, and I knew that she was breathing with great difficulty. Seeing the slow rise and fall of her chest brought back very vivid images in my mind.

_Sara_. I said her name in my heart. My Sara, lying on the bed, her chest rising and falling as the monitor beeped. I shook my head, willing the image to go away, and reached for a swab.

When I was almost done swabbing underneath her nails, she sat up abruptly, causing me to step back in alarm.

"No struggle." She spoke as if those were two conversational words.

"There was no struggle; you won't find any trace of his skin under my nails." She stared at me, her bony fingers sat atop of my palm.

I continued my job, silently.

"It would be nice if he had struggled." Her eyes lost their focus, probably recalling the incident that had taken place an hour ago at her apartment. I let go of her hand, there was probably no trace left. She had collapsed after the event and the EMT had whisked her away to the hospital as fast as they could.

"I wish he had fought back… I wish… he stopped being so full of understanding." She continued.

After neatly capping the swab, I looked up to her.

"If he had fought, would you have spared his life?"

It took a long minute before she answered, her eyes closed. "No, I wouldn't have." She shook her head, "It was for the better."

"Really?"

"I ran away from him, you know? Across country, alternating between hospitals. I didn't want to be his burden."

I closed my kit and sat on the stool after signaling to officer Garth, who was peeking enthusiastically from the open door, to wait.

"Karl could be so damned headstrong sometimes." She gave me a watery smile. "I don't know which part of the words Brain Cancer he didn't understand. He kept on wanting to take care of me, to be at my side."

"And that was a bad thing?"

"No, not for me. But for him , yes. He deserved something better, someone who could stay with him forever." She ran a hand on her bald head; the wedding band on her skinny finger didn't go unnoticed by me.

"So, you killed Karl because he cared about you?"

"Maybe." There was bitterness in her voice, along with certainty. And yes, when you feel you had no choice but do what you had to do, no jail sentence could fix the damage. I could imagine her, having a therapy session between these white walls. "If he could just have let me go...if he could have just stopped being selfish."

"Caring is selfish?"

"It is, when it harms yourself."

"And ending Karl's life is not?" I kept my tone calm and steady, waiting for her reaction. She stiffened, snapping her head round to look at me.

"I killed him to save him! I didn't want him to see me dying! It would have broken his heart!" She yelled, causing the heart monitor to beep stronger. "It would have devastated him!"

Officer Garth let himself in, probably being alarmed by the girl's yelling. His new and well-polished gun was ready in his hand.

"It's okay Garth, I'm done here." I rose and picked up my kit. The officer glanced nervously at me but let his guard down after a moment.

"You get some rest." I nodded to the frail girl on the bed, the beeping of the monitor now deafening. "Do you want us to get the nurse?"

She shook her head as she lay back on the bed, eyes filling with tears.

"Mr. Grissom…" She called as I got to the door.

I turned around, challenged those sad blue eyes with mine. The monitor had fallen into a quite, steady beat again.

"If I said I loved Karl so much, that I didn't want him to be there to see it happen, to see me wilt and die, inside and outside, would you understand me?"

The light from the window illuminated her feature somehow. Despite no significant physical resemblance between her and Sara, Emily Gauthier, the prime suspect for the murder of Karl Gauthier, had brought my memory back to the love of my life.

Sara, my Sara. My Sara who had run away from me.

…_.._

_  
__No matter how hard I try to fight it off, I'm left with a feeling that, I have to go. I have no idea where I'm going, but I know I have to do this. If I don't, I'm afraid I'll self-destruct, and worse, you'll be there to see it happen.__Be safe._

_  
…._

_  
_"I would," I nodded my head as I slowly closed the door to the room 304. It would be hard to understand the reason behind Emily's crime, but somehow, she had made me understand the reason behind Sara's decision. "I understand."

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**FIN**

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